Johnson - better out than in
- Admin
- Nov 18, 2019
- 2 min read
In a recent Conservative Party, political broadcast B. Johnson can be seen appearing from what could have been the gent’s toilet with the air of a man who doesn’t wash his hands before leaving. He proceeds to give us the, frankly unlikely, impression that he walks his dog early in the morning plus the superfluous, and unpleasant, information that said dog does its ‘business’. There was(is?) a time when, according to a very senior Tory, some important people thought that the then Foreign Secretary needed his own personal ‘pooper scooper’.
Now, BJ has revealed the source of much Tory party ‘news’ as we can imagine pooper scooper in chief, Dominic Cummings rushing forward in the early-morning light, dew glistening on his pate, to capture Dilyn the dog’s ‘business’ in a plastic bag in readiness to be sent to his coprophiliac cronies in the main stream press and media who then present it in their newspapers, programmes and on the internet as ‘policy’ or ‘pledge’ but never use its real name ‘propaganda’.
We have a classic example of this night-soiled trail in the recent proclamation by Tom Newton-Dunn, political editor of ‘The Sun’ - a publication which has, over the years, probably cornered the market as lavatory paper substitute – that Joris Bohnson would be accusing Jeremy Corbyn of ‘political onanism’ in connection with Brexit and further referendums. This preview turned out to be incorrect, the offending term being left out of the final version, a ‘stray’ early draft it seems had found its way to T N-D, mere flatulence from the Number 10 Parfum de Prat Collection.
But, although T N-D had the use of onanism anti-climactically palmed off on him, it still was, it seems, the first choice of the Number 10 speech writer, possibly even Joris himself.
This is not surprising given the overgrown school boy’s obsession, as referred to in the article above, with euphemisms for masturbation, ‘spaffing’, ‘wanking’ and, now, onanism – slightly posher but still crude – as his ejaculations of choice in a number of interviews or speeches.
Onanism is something of a dubious choice for our prospective PM as it has at least two possible meanings – masturbation or ‘coitus interuptus’/withdrawal – as it seems that Joris may be good at one but not the other.
Not only that but the Old Testament story of Onan clearly put paid to the potential popularity of his name as a first name, thus leaving the field open to such dullards as John or Mark.
Sergei Katologyvich
Kremlin (Downing Street cell) Rapporteur
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